Entry 2 The Chills

            I believed in the philosophy that if you are going to talk the talk you have to walk the walk. For years I believed that I was talking the talk and walking the walk. I believed that I was always on the receiving end of the short stick, okay most of the time. I believed that life was always made hard and harder by the heartless and often uncaring and nasty actions of others. I believed that the world was evil, full of misery, and that most people (regardless of how they lived) were opportunist in the worst ways. That if the opportunity presented itself that most people would be willing to murder someone simply because they knew they would get away with it. The philosophy I lived by after reading Lord of The Flies by John Golding in high school was that, “Man was inherently evil.” The notion of mankind’s evilness always stayed with me and resonated loudly on a regular basis and through the action of people. People seemed to prove me right and reinforce my belief system every step of the way.

Not all of us crash and burn like I have. Some flourish, at least professionally, financially, or even socially while leaving the essence of their heart and mind in the dumpster or on the basement floor where no one can see. I have been on skid-row emotionally and mentally. Yes it is true that I am not homeless, have not been, nor do I hope to be. Some may even think my pain is trivial and consider it self-loathing.  I also know that by most people’s standards I have not reach anywhere near rock bottom. I know I have hit rock bottom and stayed there for a little while. It is not a pretty place to be, rock bottom that is. In your weakest and deepest moments of despair no one can consul you, nothing said makes things better, you now you are on the brink of a complete and utter emotional and mental meltdown. You know you have most likely gone over the edge, to the point of no returning to the way things used to be. You ache not just mentally and emotionally but physically as well. You want someone or something to stop the pain, the dull ache you feel deep down in your bones. Nothing helps and when you do sleep, it is far from quality zzzs. You pray and hope for anything to come along and end the suffering the despair. You know time will not ease your pain or mend your wombs. You are in panic mood slash self destruct and terminate all systems go. What will change the ending to this story? Is there a happy ending or more misery and sorrow? Time will tell or time will allow the sores and infection to fester and become ripe with unhealthy organism causing the unnecessary and unhealthy decomposition of matter, human flesh, your body and mind. 

Entry 1 The Craziness Inside My Head

Perdition is defined by Webster Merriam dictionary as, “Utter destruction, eternal damnation,” in other words hell.

With the new knowledge I have about my past I realize that my life is and has been in shambles for a while now. This is eerily similar to when I came out of my last severe depression episode about eight years ago that lasted for about three and a half years. My life then felt like it was in shambles, like a mirror that had broken into a million pieces and it was my job  or rather punishment to try and piece it back together while explaining my mental and emotional (if not physical) hiatus for the past three and a half years.

I keep naturally trying to revert back to old habits, old ways of doing things. Why do I insist on doing things that may be detrimental even thought I now know better? I mean the self-destructive thinking patterns and self-hatred I have turned inwards towards myself for almost 31 years now? Because it is habit. As the saying goes, “Old habits are hard to break.” The good news is that the saying does not say or imply that it (old habits) are impossible to break. But habits, especially the bad or destructive ones do take constant vigilance of active reasoning skills that requires one to be cognizant much more. Think about it. Most people are not always cognizant of many or most of their everyday routines. Most people are not extremely aware of the intricacies of getting dressed in the morning, brushing your teeth, starting your daily work or weekend commutes, even if we need to be more vigilant (for safety’s sake).