Entry 4 not 3 out of order

I have always considered myself a helpful person, sometimes to my own detriment. I am not sure why but I always wanted others to be their best and maximize the quality of their lives. Ironically I have half-heartedly applied this idea to my own life. Maybe I wanted others to live to the fullest because I truly did not believe that I deserved the same. Maybe that is why for the past thirty some odd years that I have usually put others first. I have been a caregiver off and on for about 12 years now, forsaken any prospectively decent career opportunities. At times it is very frustrating to care for others. Partly because sometimes people are just people and they are not always looking out for their own interest, even when you are.  I feel like I have wasted twelve years of my life, I feel and disgruntled at times because I convinced me that I was doing the right thing. If I felt better about me, I would have probably let this family member’s children pick up more of the slack as they should considering most are a bit older and have had their chances to focus on careers and become economically sound (if they chose to). I would stop putting me in the barrel with a bunch of crabs that constantly pull you back down when you try to get up and out. Maybe I could then focus on my life and my family because I am finally at a place where I am ready for motherhood. My husband and I are embracing the idea of starting a family. This means that I will need to take care of me first and let the cards fall where they may. 

Entry 2 The Chills

            I believed in the philosophy that if you are going to talk the talk you have to walk the walk. For years I believed that I was talking the talk and walking the walk. I believed that I was always on the receiving end of the short stick, okay most of the time. I believed that life was always made hard and harder by the heartless and often uncaring and nasty actions of others. I believed that the world was evil, full of misery, and that most people (regardless of how they lived) were opportunist in the worst ways. That if the opportunity presented itself that most people would be willing to murder someone simply because they knew they would get away with it. The philosophy I lived by after reading Lord of The Flies by John Golding in high school was that, “Man was inherently evil.” The notion of mankind’s evilness always stayed with me and resonated loudly on a regular basis and through the action of people. People seemed to prove me right and reinforce my belief system every step of the way.

Not all of us crash and burn like I have. Some flourish, at least professionally, financially, or even socially while leaving the essence of their heart and mind in the dumpster or on the basement floor where no one can see. I have been on skid-row emotionally and mentally. Yes it is true that I am not homeless, have not been, nor do I hope to be. Some may even think my pain is trivial and consider it self-loathing.  I also know that by most people’s standards I have not reach anywhere near rock bottom. I know I have hit rock bottom and stayed there for a little while. It is not a pretty place to be, rock bottom that is. In your weakest and deepest moments of despair no one can consul you, nothing said makes things better, you now you are on the brink of a complete and utter emotional and mental meltdown. You know you have most likely gone over the edge, to the point of no returning to the way things used to be. You ache not just mentally and emotionally but physically as well. You want someone or something to stop the pain, the dull ache you feel deep down in your bones. Nothing helps and when you do sleep, it is far from quality zzzs. You pray and hope for anything to come along and end the suffering the despair. You know time will not ease your pain or mend your wombs. You are in panic mood slash self destruct and terminate all systems go. What will change the ending to this story? Is there a happy ending or more misery and sorrow? Time will tell or time will allow the sores and infection to fester and become ripe with unhealthy organism causing the unnecessary and unhealthy decomposition of matter, human flesh, your body and mind. 

Entry 1 The Craziness Inside My Head

Perdition is defined by Webster Merriam dictionary as, “Utter destruction, eternal damnation,” in other words hell.

With the new knowledge I have about my past I realize that my life is and has been in shambles for a while now. This is eerily similar to when I came out of my last severe depression episode about eight years ago that lasted for about three and a half years. My life then felt like it was in shambles, like a mirror that had broken into a million pieces and it was my job  or rather punishment to try and piece it back together while explaining my mental and emotional (if not physical) hiatus for the past three and a half years.

I keep naturally trying to revert back to old habits, old ways of doing things. Why do I insist on doing things that may be detrimental even thought I now know better? I mean the self-destructive thinking patterns and self-hatred I have turned inwards towards myself for almost 31 years now? Because it is habit. As the saying goes, “Old habits are hard to break.” The good news is that the saying does not say or imply that it (old habits) are impossible to break. But habits, especially the bad or destructive ones do take constant vigilance of active reasoning skills that requires one to be cognizant much more. Think about it. Most people are not always cognizant of many or most of their everyday routines. Most people are not extremely aware of the intricacies of getting dressed in the morning, brushing your teeth, starting your daily work or weekend commutes, even if we need to be more vigilant (for safety’s sake).